I'm going on a journey. I need to. It's well past time. It's a journey about me and for me. But in the end, it's a journey where I hope to preserve my family. Because you see, I"m struggling. I have been for a long while and I need to find my me in all of this. I accepted a challenge from a friend this week on Facebook. A 30 day Meditation Challenge. And so here I am. Fessing up to the Fucked up world that is mine right now. And hoping beyond hope that I can find myself again somewhere in all of this.
I did my first day of meditation yesterday even though the challenge hasn't really started, but I feel the need to unload a bit, writing often helps me order my thoughts. The order will hopefully help the quiet come more freely.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 9 years. We've been together almost 16. We have two small children, a son who is 4 and a daughter who is 7 months. On the outside, most would probably think we lead a charmed existence. In 2009 I found out my husband had cheated. He has his own struggles. And this isn't about him, but his struggles bleed over into mine. The loss of trust from that infidelity still sometimes sneaks in. That plus a host of other "issues" have diminished my confidence in our relationship. Don't get me wrong. I love him. Deeply. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, he is mine. He's my oldest longest friend. But we've lost most of our passion for each other along the way. This is such a multifaceted problem that I'm not really sure where the best place to start is. So I'm starting with me.
I'm not happy with who I am. Decision have been made and they can't be erased. Some are so intertwined with my marriage that I can't untangle them even if I tried. My children are amazing. Amazingly beautiful. Amazingly smart. Everything that one could ask for in a child, I have in mine. There have been times when I have questioned the rationality of when we chose to have them, but they are here now, and I'm so very glad. I'm stuck in a career that for all intensive purposes is fantastic for raising kids. But I'm not happy with it. I work around 30 hours a week, but like most professional careers, my job/my stress/my thoughts about work don't end after those 30 hours. And right now, this is the biggest part of my struggle. I feel like I am not enough. Not enough of a wife, not enough of a mom, not enough of a career woman. I can't do it all. I don't want to do it all. I want to be a good wife and mom. I could care less about being a good career woman, but here I am sitting at my desk, with work to be done, away from my kids and warring within myself. The logical part of me knows that I can't/shouldn't walk away from my job. I'd never get back a job like this. 30 hours a week, months off for the summer and really good money. And with a marriage that I am not confident will last, even if I decided to walk away from it, it wouldn't be smart to. Knowing that the foundation of my marriage is unsteady, there's no way that I could walk away from the job that would keep my babies fed and our roof over our heads. But I hate it. I hate that at the base of everything that is why I am still working. That is why I haven't fought to stay at home where I feel like I should be. Where I feel like I am complete. So I walk away from a part of myself every day, I kiss them goodbye and go spend the best of my energy somewhere I don't want to. I come home to a dirty house, and three people all vying for attention that I struggle to give. The baby is the one that gets it right now. She just wants snuggles and milks. And so we lay down and nurse, and I work hard to be present with her. Not reading, not checking facebook. Actually being with her for that 30 minutes. But I need time for me to recharge too. Then its up to cook dinner or throw a load of clothes in the laundry. Snuggle with a needy four year old who is saying "Momma snuggles, Momma snuggles" like a baby. He is being needy right now. I'm giving what I can, but it doesn't seem to be enough. And while all of this goes on, while my Q asks for Momma snuggles, Daddy asks for his too. "We all want Momma snuggles, but Momma is holding out on us". There's just no more of me left to give. I've been thinking a lot lately about why it bothers me so much that at the end of the day I'm tired and ready for the kids to be asleep and quiet in bed. I wanted that when I was at home with both of them on my maternity leave too. But then... Then I was giving them all my love and attention all day long. They got my best energy for 8-12 hours a day. So yes, at the end of the day, I was ready for some me time, but I felt like I was truly meeting their needs to the best of my ability. Now I spend 8 hours giving my best energy to a job that I don't love... And come home struggling to find the energy to give to my loves. All three of them. And there just isn't enough to go around. This is so big in my life right now that I'm just not sure where to start. So I'm starting with me. Finding space to work on my head, my thoughts, my heart. I'm hopeful it will help bring some of this inner war into balance.
So here we are. Day 2. I'm still very lost.
I did my first day of meditation yesterday even though the challenge hasn't really started, but I feel the need to unload a bit, writing often helps me order my thoughts. The order will hopefully help the quiet come more freely.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 9 years. We've been together almost 16. We have two small children, a son who is 4 and a daughter who is 7 months. On the outside, most would probably think we lead a charmed existence. In 2009 I found out my husband had cheated. He has his own struggles. And this isn't about him, but his struggles bleed over into mine. The loss of trust from that infidelity still sometimes sneaks in. That plus a host of other "issues" have diminished my confidence in our relationship. Don't get me wrong. I love him. Deeply. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, he is mine. He's my oldest longest friend. But we've lost most of our passion for each other along the way. This is such a multifaceted problem that I'm not really sure where the best place to start is. So I'm starting with me.
I'm not happy with who I am. Decision have been made and they can't be erased. Some are so intertwined with my marriage that I can't untangle them even if I tried. My children are amazing. Amazingly beautiful. Amazingly smart. Everything that one could ask for in a child, I have in mine. There have been times when I have questioned the rationality of when we chose to have them, but they are here now, and I'm so very glad. I'm stuck in a career that for all intensive purposes is fantastic for raising kids. But I'm not happy with it. I work around 30 hours a week, but like most professional careers, my job/my stress/my thoughts about work don't end after those 30 hours. And right now, this is the biggest part of my struggle. I feel like I am not enough. Not enough of a wife, not enough of a mom, not enough of a career woman. I can't do it all. I don't want to do it all. I want to be a good wife and mom. I could care less about being a good career woman, but here I am sitting at my desk, with work to be done, away from my kids and warring within myself. The logical part of me knows that I can't/shouldn't walk away from my job. I'd never get back a job like this. 30 hours a week, months off for the summer and really good money. And with a marriage that I am not confident will last, even if I decided to walk away from it, it wouldn't be smart to. Knowing that the foundation of my marriage is unsteady, there's no way that I could walk away from the job that would keep my babies fed and our roof over our heads. But I hate it. I hate that at the base of everything that is why I am still working. That is why I haven't fought to stay at home where I feel like I should be. Where I feel like I am complete. So I walk away from a part of myself every day, I kiss them goodbye and go spend the best of my energy somewhere I don't want to. I come home to a dirty house, and three people all vying for attention that I struggle to give. The baby is the one that gets it right now. She just wants snuggles and milks. And so we lay down and nurse, and I work hard to be present with her. Not reading, not checking facebook. Actually being with her for that 30 minutes. But I need time for me to recharge too. Then its up to cook dinner or throw a load of clothes in the laundry. Snuggle with a needy four year old who is saying "Momma snuggles, Momma snuggles" like a baby. He is being needy right now. I'm giving what I can, but it doesn't seem to be enough. And while all of this goes on, while my Q asks for Momma snuggles, Daddy asks for his too. "We all want Momma snuggles, but Momma is holding out on us". There's just no more of me left to give. I've been thinking a lot lately about why it bothers me so much that at the end of the day I'm tired and ready for the kids to be asleep and quiet in bed. I wanted that when I was at home with both of them on my maternity leave too. But then... Then I was giving them all my love and attention all day long. They got my best energy for 8-12 hours a day. So yes, at the end of the day, I was ready for some me time, but I felt like I was truly meeting their needs to the best of my ability. Now I spend 8 hours giving my best energy to a job that I don't love... And come home struggling to find the energy to give to my loves. All three of them. And there just isn't enough to go around. This is so big in my life right now that I'm just not sure where to start. So I'm starting with me. Finding space to work on my head, my thoughts, my heart. I'm hopeful it will help bring some of this inner war into balance.
So here we are. Day 2. I'm still very lost.
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