I am still struggling, and if anything, it is more intense. Mickey and I separated just over one month ago. We are doing really good work. Today, I am raw. I started my period again. I hate that I know those emotions are all part of the crazy that is today. If I think logically, I know that I want my marriage to work, I just don't know if it will. I don't know if I am capable of being the person Mickey needs in order to be happy. I'm scared of jumping back in and being right back here again. I'm tired of the pain and hurt. I'm tired of the mistrust. I'm tired of questioning if I am going to regret my decisions. In this moment, I'm tired of the cold I feel inside. It's never been like this before, but this time, I can't seem to shake it. How do you tell someone that you have lived with for 16 years, that you want to feel crazy in love with them before they move back in? I couldn't bring myself to. And it's sad.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Distracted
Monday : my official day 1
Todays quiet was kind of weird. I had a harder time finding the quiet space...so distracted. Tomorrow is another day.
Tuesday :
Bit distracted today too. Mickey and I had a conversation this weekend. I told him about this challenge. He gave me some tips towards meditating. They were certainly meant well, but I think in trying to get it right I'm struggling more with getting to a still place.
Good stuff - when pulling into work today, I saw my spot. I immediately took a deep breath and felt dome quiet. That's a nice way to start the day. It's usually not like that. I'malso nnoticing more wildlife at the pond each time I'm there. Today I watched 20 or do small finches and bluebirds bathing in the run off. There's beauty everywhere.
Todays quiet was kind of weird. I had a harder time finding the quiet space...so distracted. Tomorrow is another day.
Tuesday :
Bit distracted today too. Mickey and I had a conversation this weekend. I told him about this challenge. He gave me some tips towards meditating. They were certainly meant well, but I think in trying to get it right I'm struggling more with getting to a still place.
Good stuff - when pulling into work today, I saw my spot. I immediately took a deep breath and felt dome quiet. That's a nice way to start the day. It's usually not like that. I'malso nnoticing more wildlife at the pond each time I'm there. Today I watched 20 or do small finches and bluebirds bathing in the run off. There's beauty everywhere.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Day 2
I really struggled with wanting my Starbucks drink today, but also knowing that in my quest to calm my mind that drinking a caffeine drink before heading out to meditate wasn't the best idea. I saved it for after :-).
I used a different timer on my phone today and it worked a bit better than yesterday. I set my alarm for 30 minutes and got back to my start point at almost 40 minutes. The time really seems to move quickly. Today I only did 4 back and forth trips while yesterday I did 5.
Today my focus was a bit more external... while trying to pull it internal. So I just worked with it. The sun was shining brightly. So I breathed in a lot of sunshine. The wind was blowing briskly... I let it blow my stress away as I exhaled. This is really hard for me. I'm hoping with practice it will become a bit easier to let stress flow into and out of me without taking up residency.
I'm feeling my stress heavily in my chest these days. A tightness that I am not accustomed to. I held my heart for awhile today. Focusing on that stress and breathing it away. I needed that today.
I've set up a date day for Mickey and I tomorrow. I think he invited Lisa along. It made me angry. Why would he invite somebody else to a date I set up? Without even mentioning it to me first? Lisa has been in Korea for 2 years, so on a big level I get it. I'd love to hang out with her too. I don't think he realizes how important tomorrow is for me. How this is me, in the only way I know how making room for us. I really want to have some fun with him. It's been a really long time- especially with no kids in tow. I hope this doesn't become an issue... I worked hard to let the anger go today and accept that we will have fun- third person or not.
I used a different timer on my phone today and it worked a bit better than yesterday. I set my alarm for 30 minutes and got back to my start point at almost 40 minutes. The time really seems to move quickly. Today I only did 4 back and forth trips while yesterday I did 5.
Today my focus was a bit more external... while trying to pull it internal. So I just worked with it. The sun was shining brightly. So I breathed in a lot of sunshine. The wind was blowing briskly... I let it blow my stress away as I exhaled. This is really hard for me. I'm hoping with practice it will become a bit easier to let stress flow into and out of me without taking up residency.
I'm feeling my stress heavily in my chest these days. A tightness that I am not accustomed to. I held my heart for awhile today. Focusing on that stress and breathing it away. I needed that today.
I've set up a date day for Mickey and I tomorrow. I think he invited Lisa along. It made me angry. Why would he invite somebody else to a date I set up? Without even mentioning it to me first? Lisa has been in Korea for 2 years, so on a big level I get it. I'd love to hang out with her too. I don't think he realizes how important tomorrow is for me. How this is me, in the only way I know how making room for us. I really want to have some fun with him. It's been a really long time- especially with no kids in tow. I hope this doesn't become an issue... I worked hard to let the anger go today and accept that we will have fun- third person or not.
Day 1 2/18
I'm not sure yet how I will document this journey. I thought about maybe a blog post, but couldn't get one started right now, so I'll start here (on Facebook). I did my Day 1 today. I've not ever done a walking meditation before. I've really never done anything but guided. I found a place near my work that I think will be perfect. I left my desk at 2pm and by the time I got to where I wanted to start, it was 2:10. I set my alarm for 2:30 thinking that 20 minutes would be enough for a first day. I walked a specific path, back and forth, 5 times. I warred with myself on whether or not to check the time. It was 2:39 when I did. I forgot my alarm will go off after 1 minute. Oops. I started with right left right as my words as I stepped to help guide my concentration. It naturally progressed to Step.. and then to breathe, and then to "You are enough." It didn't take long with some quite me time to get to the root of what troubles my soul. I return to my desk with full breasts, clearer head but heavier heart. I hate that I struggle here. At least this is a good first step towards loving myself more.
*Copied from a FB comment yesterday.
*Copied from a FB comment yesterday.
A journey
I'm going on a journey. I need to. It's well past time. It's a journey about me and for me. But in the end, it's a journey where I hope to preserve my family. Because you see, I"m struggling. I have been for a long while and I need to find my me in all of this. I accepted a challenge from a friend this week on Facebook. A 30 day Meditation Challenge. And so here I am. Fessing up to the Fucked up world that is mine right now. And hoping beyond hope that I can find myself again somewhere in all of this.
I did my first day of meditation yesterday even though the challenge hasn't really started, but I feel the need to unload a bit, writing often helps me order my thoughts. The order will hopefully help the quiet come more freely.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 9 years. We've been together almost 16. We have two small children, a son who is 4 and a daughter who is 7 months. On the outside, most would probably think we lead a charmed existence. In 2009 I found out my husband had cheated. He has his own struggles. And this isn't about him, but his struggles bleed over into mine. The loss of trust from that infidelity still sometimes sneaks in. That plus a host of other "issues" have diminished my confidence in our relationship. Don't get me wrong. I love him. Deeply. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, he is mine. He's my oldest longest friend. But we've lost most of our passion for each other along the way. This is such a multifaceted problem that I'm not really sure where the best place to start is. So I'm starting with me.
I'm not happy with who I am. Decision have been made and they can't be erased. Some are so intertwined with my marriage that I can't untangle them even if I tried. My children are amazing. Amazingly beautiful. Amazingly smart. Everything that one could ask for in a child, I have in mine. There have been times when I have questioned the rationality of when we chose to have them, but they are here now, and I'm so very glad. I'm stuck in a career that for all intensive purposes is fantastic for raising kids. But I'm not happy with it. I work around 30 hours a week, but like most professional careers, my job/my stress/my thoughts about work don't end after those 30 hours. And right now, this is the biggest part of my struggle. I feel like I am not enough. Not enough of a wife, not enough of a mom, not enough of a career woman. I can't do it all. I don't want to do it all. I want to be a good wife and mom. I could care less about being a good career woman, but here I am sitting at my desk, with work to be done, away from my kids and warring within myself. The logical part of me knows that I can't/shouldn't walk away from my job. I'd never get back a job like this. 30 hours a week, months off for the summer and really good money. And with a marriage that I am not confident will last, even if I decided to walk away from it, it wouldn't be smart to. Knowing that the foundation of my marriage is unsteady, there's no way that I could walk away from the job that would keep my babies fed and our roof over our heads. But I hate it. I hate that at the base of everything that is why I am still working. That is why I haven't fought to stay at home where I feel like I should be. Where I feel like I am complete. So I walk away from a part of myself every day, I kiss them goodbye and go spend the best of my energy somewhere I don't want to. I come home to a dirty house, and three people all vying for attention that I struggle to give. The baby is the one that gets it right now. She just wants snuggles and milks. And so we lay down and nurse, and I work hard to be present with her. Not reading, not checking facebook. Actually being with her for that 30 minutes. But I need time for me to recharge too. Then its up to cook dinner or throw a load of clothes in the laundry. Snuggle with a needy four year old who is saying "Momma snuggles, Momma snuggles" like a baby. He is being needy right now. I'm giving what I can, but it doesn't seem to be enough. And while all of this goes on, while my Q asks for Momma snuggles, Daddy asks for his too. "We all want Momma snuggles, but Momma is holding out on us". There's just no more of me left to give. I've been thinking a lot lately about why it bothers me so much that at the end of the day I'm tired and ready for the kids to be asleep and quiet in bed. I wanted that when I was at home with both of them on my maternity leave too. But then... Then I was giving them all my love and attention all day long. They got my best energy for 8-12 hours a day. So yes, at the end of the day, I was ready for some me time, but I felt like I was truly meeting their needs to the best of my ability. Now I spend 8 hours giving my best energy to a job that I don't love... And come home struggling to find the energy to give to my loves. All three of them. And there just isn't enough to go around. This is so big in my life right now that I'm just not sure where to start. So I'm starting with me. Finding space to work on my head, my thoughts, my heart. I'm hopeful it will help bring some of this inner war into balance.
So here we are. Day 2. I'm still very lost.
I did my first day of meditation yesterday even though the challenge hasn't really started, but I feel the need to unload a bit, writing often helps me order my thoughts. The order will hopefully help the quiet come more freely.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 9 years. We've been together almost 16. We have two small children, a son who is 4 and a daughter who is 7 months. On the outside, most would probably think we lead a charmed existence. In 2009 I found out my husband had cheated. He has his own struggles. And this isn't about him, but his struggles bleed over into mine. The loss of trust from that infidelity still sometimes sneaks in. That plus a host of other "issues" have diminished my confidence in our relationship. Don't get me wrong. I love him. Deeply. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, he is mine. He's my oldest longest friend. But we've lost most of our passion for each other along the way. This is such a multifaceted problem that I'm not really sure where the best place to start is. So I'm starting with me.
I'm not happy with who I am. Decision have been made and they can't be erased. Some are so intertwined with my marriage that I can't untangle them even if I tried. My children are amazing. Amazingly beautiful. Amazingly smart. Everything that one could ask for in a child, I have in mine. There have been times when I have questioned the rationality of when we chose to have them, but they are here now, and I'm so very glad. I'm stuck in a career that for all intensive purposes is fantastic for raising kids. But I'm not happy with it. I work around 30 hours a week, but like most professional careers, my job/my stress/my thoughts about work don't end after those 30 hours. And right now, this is the biggest part of my struggle. I feel like I am not enough. Not enough of a wife, not enough of a mom, not enough of a career woman. I can't do it all. I don't want to do it all. I want to be a good wife and mom. I could care less about being a good career woman, but here I am sitting at my desk, with work to be done, away from my kids and warring within myself. The logical part of me knows that I can't/shouldn't walk away from my job. I'd never get back a job like this. 30 hours a week, months off for the summer and really good money. And with a marriage that I am not confident will last, even if I decided to walk away from it, it wouldn't be smart to. Knowing that the foundation of my marriage is unsteady, there's no way that I could walk away from the job that would keep my babies fed and our roof over our heads. But I hate it. I hate that at the base of everything that is why I am still working. That is why I haven't fought to stay at home where I feel like I should be. Where I feel like I am complete. So I walk away from a part of myself every day, I kiss them goodbye and go spend the best of my energy somewhere I don't want to. I come home to a dirty house, and three people all vying for attention that I struggle to give. The baby is the one that gets it right now. She just wants snuggles and milks. And so we lay down and nurse, and I work hard to be present with her. Not reading, not checking facebook. Actually being with her for that 30 minutes. But I need time for me to recharge too. Then its up to cook dinner or throw a load of clothes in the laundry. Snuggle with a needy four year old who is saying "Momma snuggles, Momma snuggles" like a baby. He is being needy right now. I'm giving what I can, but it doesn't seem to be enough. And while all of this goes on, while my Q asks for Momma snuggles, Daddy asks for his too. "We all want Momma snuggles, but Momma is holding out on us". There's just no more of me left to give. I've been thinking a lot lately about why it bothers me so much that at the end of the day I'm tired and ready for the kids to be asleep and quiet in bed. I wanted that when I was at home with both of them on my maternity leave too. But then... Then I was giving them all my love and attention all day long. They got my best energy for 8-12 hours a day. So yes, at the end of the day, I was ready for some me time, but I felt like I was truly meeting their needs to the best of my ability. Now I spend 8 hours giving my best energy to a job that I don't love... And come home struggling to find the energy to give to my loves. All three of them. And there just isn't enough to go around. This is so big in my life right now that I'm just not sure where to start. So I'm starting with me. Finding space to work on my head, my thoughts, my heart. I'm hopeful it will help bring some of this inner war into balance.
So here we are. Day 2. I'm still very lost.
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